Understanding Emotional Projection: Recognizing Your Triggers
“It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others.” – Sydney J. Harris
Have you ever become upset with someone, your partner, or a loved one, and later wondered if you are justified in your anger?
We often project our feelings onto others without our conscious awareness.
Did something they say make you angry or frustrated?
You’ll be surprised. Many times, when you react negatively toward another person, you are not angry at them at all. You may be upset with yourself and not realize it.
This little phenomenon, called projection, occurs when one person unconsciously transfers feelings onto another. You project your feelings onto them instead of owning them.
For example, a woman who is insecure about her looks notices her boyfriend innocently chatting with an attractive coworker. She yells at him for his rudeness and takes her issues out on him. If she were secure, she would rationalize her boyfriend as being cordial to his coworker.
I once knew a woman who projected her feelings and did not realize her projections were ruining her life. She became mad since her partner had numerous friends when she was little, and she took out her anger on him. She became defensive when her partner discussed the slightest thing because she had little confidence. The issues she complained of were her issues. She looked inside herself to contend with her shadow when she gained insight into how she projected.
I recall projection being explained in terms of energy. Imagine your chest full of different electrical outlets, each one representing a different characteristic of you. The pleasant qualities are covered with cover plates, so there’s no chance of electricity running through them.
The qualities you dislike about yourself do not have cover plates and may have electricity run through them. When someone displays that characteristic, they plug into our uncovered outlet and let the energy flow.
For example, if you harbor unresolved anger, you attract other angry people into your life via the law of attraction. You might run into an angry coworker and tell everyone how dreadful that person is, but you suppress your anger. You may not realize you are harboring such outrage.
You might say to your partner, “You are angry all the time! I can’t take it! Why can’t you be happy?” In reality, you are harboring anger and feeling miserable.
Owning Your Feelings: The Path to Self-Awareness and Healing
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” – Brené Brown
We all have a shadow lurking deep inside us. It keeps us from owning up to our unresolved emotions. Sooner or later, we are given the opportunity to face our shadow and let our feelings go. Often, during a season of hardship or reflection, we see negative emotions rise to the surface. “Wow, am I really angry? Selfish? Bitter? Prideful? Mean?”
We all have a shadow lurking deep inside us. It keeps us from owning up to our own mess. What I appreciate about relationships is that they mirror each person’s inner world. When I look at you, I see me. When you look at me, you see you.
This is one reason many couples fight. They point fingers at each other’s character defects, pointing out qualities in themselves that drive them crazy.
It’s time to pull your plugs out of other people’s outlets and plug them into your own.
Face your shadow and own up to your emotional pain. As you do, you will be happier and more loving. Consider what you complain about. Do you judge others? If so, it’s time to judge yourself. Do you complain about your partner’s selfishness, laziness, thoughtlessness, or personality? If so, examine those negative qualities.
Face your shadow and make peace with your wounds. As you do, you will be happier and more loving, less stressed, and more accepting of others. If someone accuses you of something, instead of flying off the handle, calmly discuss the situation and let it go.
You will feel free because freedom feels fantastic.
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Tony Fahkry
Expert Life Coach
