“The people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.” – Shakti Gawain
Have you met people with plenty of friends who have the best relationships?
The guy who smiles all the time, romances his girl, and offers unconditional love?
Relationship experts will tell you the reason his relationships thrive is that his relationship with himself is healthy. He has learned to love his innermost being and found his true identity.
On the opposite spectrum, do you know those with little friends that go from one relationship to the other without making make it last?
They argue, fight—are jealous, and proclaim they love for each other, but do not show it.
Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places
Their relationships are unhealthy because of an unhealthy relationship with themselves. They have not found their true identity within themselves, but look towards others to define them.
They are looking for love in all the wrong places.
Relationships perplex even the best experts. They start out wonderful and both partners are floating on a cloud of love for months. No one notices annoying traits or character defects, or if they do, they minimise it because they are in love.
As time goes by, things begin to change. The love hormones wane, character defects become clear, and arguing occurs more often. Before you know it, the two are carrying resentments, scream at each other daily, and contemplate the possibility of the relationship being over.
There are many factors that come into play in a relationship. The dynamics are different for every person, so it is difficult to say the reason for breakups is clear. It is a combination of factors.
One thing experts will tell you is, a person’s relationship with others, and especially a partner, mirrors their relationship with self. If a person’s relationship with self is unhealthy, it is likely their relationship with others will be unhealthy.
“Relationship is a mirror. Every moment the other reveals you, exposes you. The closer the relationship, the clearer is the mirror.”—Rajneesh
Relationships make you see things in yourself that you might not see if you stay single. You find out quickly if you are a selfish person once you are in a relationship, because when there is someone to “share” with, you face a decision to “share” or not.
Communication, compromise, and conflict resolution come up, and you face having to lay your pride down and work together on issues.
Don’t Focus On The Externals
A contributing factor whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy depends on where each partner finds happiness and fulfilment. Many people seek this in external objects or people. I’m sure you’ve heard people proclaim: “I’ll be happy if he did this or she said that” or “If I only got that job, new house, baby.”
If a person seeks a partner to complete them, conflicts arise. It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to make you happy. It is your partner’s job to make themselves happy. When you seek happiness outwardly, as in a person, you will expect things, and resentments arise. Resentments bring anger and anger brings arguments.
This is one reason people go from one relationship to another. They think a person will “complete” them, but once the honeymoon phase is over, the needy partner sucks energy from the other trying to find fulfilment. They may be: needy, jealous, controlling, and manipulative because they seek happiness through their partner. It does not work.
In order for a relationship to be healthy, each person should be at a place where they have dealt with issues such as: low self-esteem, jealousy, resentments, and inner pain. Each partner must know self-love that radiates outward, and adds value to a relationship instead of seeking love and affirmation from a partner.
Many people gravitate toward partners who are opposites, which leads to conflict. Conflict can help each partner to begin a journey within themselves to find unconditional love and wholeness. From there, unconditional love is given to the partner.
If you are in a relationship that is troubling you, stop pointing fingers and get quiet with yourself. Take time to contemplate, meditate, and take a season in which you find out who you are. Deal with your issues like: low self-worth, anger, bitterness, laziness, fear, etc.
Own up to your “junk” in the relationship and commit to looking inward to find your identity, unconditional love, and wholeness. From there, you will maintain healthy relationships and add value to those around you.
If you cannot do this alone, consider seeing a relationship counsellor.
Counsellors are trained to help people move past their issues and offer insights on changing attitudes and behaviour. Many people use this time and go on to develop healthy relationships.
You can too.
I recently ended a relationship with someone whom I love, the only problem is that she cheated alot and I’m trying to figure out how this reflects on me and how I can change myself.
Hi Melvin,
Firstly it’s always difficult when a relationship ends with someone whom you love. This should be a time to show compassion toward yourself by noticing your inner dialogue, thoughts and re-direct any self-blame if it is there.
I believe we “co-create” our life’s experiences with others. I suggest you look into the work of Byron Katie which is appropriately called The Work, //www.thework.com. She invites you to answer four powerful questions through self-inquiry.
The outcome of the self-inquiry is nothing short of life changing, since you begin to see how one’s thoughts are the cause of the problem. It always comes from within – your external reality is merely mirroring back what you think or believe about yourself. What may seem like a curse turns out to be a blessing.
Instead of trying to answer your question, take some time to do The Work and be very honest with yourself. Remember, “We continually coaching others on how they should treat us.” Having said that, after you have answered the four questions look inwardly to see how you gave her permission to treat you. I’ll give you a hint – when or how have you cheated on yourself now or in the past? i.e. thoughts, not honouring yourself, playing small etc…
Good luck with your journey.
Tony
Ran across this article and felt compelled to write. I’m in a relationship where I find it difficult to relate. Searching the net and found that all relationships mirror the person..whether good or bad. In my cuurent relationship I was always wondering why my bf seems to be stuck in his current situation. This would frustrate me but the real reason was or is…because I’m stuck. I get it…now I have to change it…for me. And with change others might too.
Yes it’s interesting how others mirror back the deepest parts of ourselves. I might add that this does not mean that we are flawed in any way, rather it becomes a gateway to discovering the true essence about oneself. It can be painful to acknowledge these pains and hurts that reside within us, since we may view ourselves as ‘broken’ and try to fix ourselves. Sometimes all that is needed is awareness and insight to bring it to your conscious understanding. This empowers you to take action and discover your truth.
On a higher level, others come into our life right at the perfect time to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves, which then become gifts allowing us much needed personal growth. This means that we stand in our own power in future relationships. I mentioned this in a recent post via my Facebook page, //www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=624883574218752&set=a.429622637078181.98886.190017857705328&type=1&theater
Congratulations on recognising and attending to the change within yourself. Dr Wayne Dyer says, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at begin to change.” I wish you well in your personal-growth journey!
Very impressive and powerful statement “own up to your own junk”. Sometimes this is hard to accept as one thinks they are perfect. But when you do realise / accept and start working on your “junk” relationships do flow and add value to your life.
Yes, interesting observation there Lisa. Perhaps we sometimes feel that there’s too much ‘junk’ that it’s not worth attending to, while other times we see there’s no wrong to fix. Checking in with ourselves regularly, might be a good way of keeping track of our inner landscape.