The Illusion of Universal Approval: Why People-Pleasing Fails
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Dr. Seuss.
Have you ever felt like you’re walking a tightrope, trying to balance other people’s expectations while your own sense of self is falling apart? That troubling feeling of inadequacy and the constant need for external validation. It’s the call of people-pleasing, a trap that screams of promises of acceptance while stealing your true power. But here’s the truth. It’s a self-defeating illusion that ultimately leaves you empty and purposeless. Sure, you can twist and contort yourself into someone to gain universal approval, but ultimately, it’s an unreachable myth.
You cannot please others because it is humanly impossible to do so. One need only listen in on social interactions to overhear people venting their anger at a higher power. Even God, Jesus, Buddha, and other deities are mocked when a crisis looms. To be in and out of favor means dropping God from our lives, like unfriending someone on social media.
How can we possibly please one another?
Psychologists observe that people-pleasing is a behavior sewn into childhood. People pleasers grow up in homes where parents are critical of them. To compensate, they grow up to appease their childhood misgivings. The notion of goodness equates to being liked and accepted, although this comes at the cost of denying one’s power. Do you know people like this?
As adults, people pleasers find it difficult to let go of their childhood conditioning to please others. They relinquish their authority to gain acceptance. We all seek acceptance on some level. It is woven into our social fabric to connect with others, albeit without being deprived of our self-worth. So, how can you balance pleasing others without forsaking your own needs? I hope the following points give you a plan of how it is possible.
Reclaiming Your Power: Practical Steps to Authenticity and Self-Worth
“In trying to please all, he had pleased none.” — Aesop, Aesop’s Fables
1. Trust Your Instincts:
Pursue what resonates with your core self without being troubled by others’ opinions. This requires practice since you need to gain confidence to trust your judgment. It is acceptable to make mistakes at first, so don’t be harsh with yourself. To deprive yourself while subordinating to others is disempowering and may attract little support since you may be seen as weak. Follow your gut instincts and assert yourself when necessary.
2. Be Authentic:
When you come from a place of authenticity without an agenda, you are bound to be criticized. This is due to people’s reservations about you. You can be receptive to others’ viewpoints and engage them without impolite. Form your own judgments so you become accountable for your own decisions. You cannot blame others when life does not work out as planned. Being responsible for your own life is a tenet worth following.
3. Don’t supplicate to Others:
When you supplicate to others, you risk taking on their pain and making it your own. Let them sort through their fears, insecurities, and anxieties without getting caught up in the drama. Instead, become accountable for your thoughts, words, and actions. When you aim to please others, you take on their problems and yours. For example, if you try to please someone who is narcissistic by nature, you impose that upon yourself to appeal to that side of the person.
4. Criticism Comes with the Territory:
Brené Brown is a social psychologist and the author of Daring Greatly. In this wonderful YouTube video titled Why Your Critics Aren’t The Ones Who Count she recounts a story in which she was criticized in the media following an onstage talk. But she didn’t let it get to her and instead changed the narrative about the criticism. When you follow your inner wisdom, people will disapprove of you. They will disapprove at any rate, so pursue what is right for you, regardless. Live an authentic life and care less about the opinions of others. Attend to your needs first; others will look to you as a source of insight. I’ve often said you coach others on how you want to be treated.
5. Stand in Your Power:
When you please others, you disconnect from your authentic power. You deny your inherent talents and skills because you believe pleasing others will give you what you need. People’s judgments of you are based on outward observations. It is easy to judge others while deflecting the real task of dealing with your inner demons. Don’t fall victim to this.
6. Recognize What’s Important:
People’s values differ, even within the same social circles. You might place a higher worth on intrinsic values, while others place importance on material possessions. This creates separation since another person’s assessment of you is based on differing values. Most people have little understanding of their core needs, let alone know what is right for them. Do not buy into the falsehood that others have your best interest at heart, since most people are primarily concerned with attending to their needs first or projecting their unresolved wounds onto others.
7. Know Your Boundaries:
Being assertive yet practical is empowering. It allows you to set boundaries without allowing others to walk all over you. Assertive people command attention and respect. I am not encouraging you to be intimidating at the expense of minimizing others. Compassionately respond to people’s needs, yet do not subjugate nor disparage your self-worth.
We began the article with the stark reality that trying to please everyone is a bottomless pit to pleasing no one, least of all yourself. Like Abraham Lincoln’s timeless observation, universal approval is futile. The journey of reclaiming your power, from trusting your instincts to setting boundaries, does not require becoming a toughened individual. It’s about recognizing that true connection comes from authenticity, not feigning agreement with others. It’s about understanding that the critics you fear often project their own insecurities and that your path to fulfillment lies in honoring your own truth. So, stand tall, embrace your imperfections, and remember: the only approval that truly matters is your own.
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Tony Fahkry
Expert Life Coach
