The Futility Of Holding On To Negative States
“One small positive thought can change your whole day.”—Zig Ziglar.
I’d like you to try a small exercise: Think back to a time this week when you noticed your mood shift, perhaps from calm to irritated or hopeful to defeated. It may have been a text message you received that caused you frustration or a minor setback that filled your entire day. It’s easy to get annoyed by a hostile email, a missed deadline, or a misinterpreted comment. Here’s the truth: what lingers in our mind isn’t just the event but how long we cling to it. What if I told you an emotion only takes 90 seconds to move through your nervous system? Knowing that simple fact, shared by neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor, has changed everything for me and hopefully you. Much of our suffering is not caused by the event but by how long we hold on to it.
It’s not the emotion that remains after the event but the story we keep replaying. When we break this cycle of rumination, we can live the present moment easily without the weight of the past holding us back. Oftentimes, we’re not interacting with what’s happening before us but repeating old arguments, second-guessing our decisions, and trying to revise situations that have passed. For instance, can you recall occasions when you struggled to stop persistent negative thoughts? While trying to find meaning in negative events is natural, not everything deserves a deep analysis. In other words, looking for meaning can sometimes become an endless trap rather than a tool. However, recognizing the futility of holding onto negative emotions can change how they affect our day and our interactions with others. One negative thought can take hold in our minds like a weed and spread throughout our entire day. Our brain, which is designed to strengthen habitual patterns, will reinforce what we continually dwell on. This is known as Hebbian theory, which states that ‘neurons that fire together wire together.’ Therefore, the more we dwell on a thought, the stronger its foothold becomes.
What Letting Go Means
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”—Winston Churchill.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. Instead, it means letting go of trying to control what we can’t. It involves creating space for something more beneficial to occupy its place. Is this something you’re willing to practice? You see, each time we try to control something, we’re trying to swim against a tide. We’re exhausting ourselves instead of allowing the ocean’s current to carry us effortlessly. Moreover, letting go isn’t a sign of defeat—it means creating a space for peace and clarity, allowing us to know the next step to take. It reminds me of the story attributed to the Buddha in which he spoke of anger being akin to holding a hot coal in your hands. The initial reflex is to drop the coal because it is too hot. The same applies to our thoughts. When an angry thought or a critical inner voice arises, we have the power not to let it play out. Instead, let it pass through you like background noise you can ignore and bring your attention back to the present.
I recall an incident involving a minor altercation with a motorist once while I was attending to errands. There was an exchange of words between us that lasted a few seconds. After the incident, I returned to a state of peace within seconds. I also laughed at how quickly two strangers could engage in a heated exchange over something as insignificant as a parking space. Previously, I would replay such an encounter for days, which fueled a grudge that served no one. However, on this occasion, I took a deep breath and laughed. Before long, the story and the accompanying emotions were gone. Over time, through my mindfulness and meditation practice, I now appreciate that thoughts come and go from our minds like the ebb and flow of ocean tides. Associating with them all wastes time because we miss other enriching thoughts and experiences. The freedom and relief that come with letting go of negative thoughts are truly healing.
So, here’s your challenge: The next time something negative threatens your peace, pause and contemplate. Ask yourself: ‘Is this thought helping me or holding me hostage?’ Then, take a slow, focused breath. Imagine the thought dissolving from your mind like fog lifting in the morning sun. Remember: You are not the thought but the awareness through which it moves. In that awareness, life renews itself again with clarity, peace, and the presence to receive what matters.
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Tony Fahkry
Expert Life Coach
